Starving Writers .com
Why Porn is Good and Bad
(Read the other two articles first…)
So. I’m seventy. It’s Sunday. The old lady is in the kitchen making cookies for the Sunday School Group that shows up here every Monday night. I don’t know why they show up here, I just go out in the garage and clean my golf balls or something. Yeah, I go to Sunday School. The old lady likes it that I do that. I still like to please her.
I haven’t gotten layed in ten years. I started experiencing prostate congestion. I learned that’s what it was about five years into it. I’m lucky I didn’t get freaking cancer or something. The old lady doesn’t see very well any more so I got the Hustler Magazine on the coffee table. No one ever comes in here so there’s no need to hide it. The old lady can’t see very well any more so she doesn’t know it’s there. She asks and I tell her it’s News Week. She believes me. That’s good.
I won’t complain about the intermittent urination problems since they aren’t there any more, thanks in part to Hustler and other publications I subscribe to including Best of Forum. That’s produced by Forum Magazine. When I was younger I gave up reading this kind of stuff because Margaret, who I’ve been referring to as “the old lady” didn’t like me having it around. As hot as she was in those days, I didn’t want it around either. It served no purpose. Margaret was hotter than any of those xxx rated models. So far as I’m concerned, she still is. I’m crazy about her. I’m not as hot as I once was either. Those days were fast and furious and “Margaret remembers that for me.”
The problem arose early this evening when the door burst open and our four grand children rushed in. They are all in their early to late teens. I forgot about the magazines until Ned, our oldest spotted one of them said shouted, “Grandpa! Oh my God! Hustler?! What’s that doing here? Do you read Hustler? Oh my God! There’s a Best of Forum! Grandpa!”
I was quickly collecting them as fast as I could and turning them face down till I could get them all together and carry them to the garage or somewhere out of sight. “I was reviewing these for the Sunday School Class so I could report on why they are evil,” I replied.
Youth and idealism are no match for old age and treachery. They believed me, except for Ned who had to notice that there were three consecutive monthly issues of Best of Forum and pointed it out to me. What could I say?
“One has to keep up with what’s going on, you know,” I muttered in my most dignified and pietistic tones. He bought it as I carried the magazines out of the room. Margaret did not hear the exchange. She has become a bit hard of hearing. God bless her. Porn has its blessings and its curses.